Let’s be honest – the pressures of being a wife and mom can sometimes be tough to handle. OK, maybe not sometimes – ALL the time! You’re responsible for so much. Cooking, cleaning, chauffeuring, managing schedules, taking care of your sick kids (and husband!). You make sure everyone has what they need every single day. You’re the glue that holds your family together. But, what happens when that glue just isn’t sticking as well as it used to? When you have our own issues or illnesses to deal with? What if mommy’s not OK?
I’ve had my share of personal struggles, while still having to be “mom”. One of the toughest times was probably in my first marriage. I was in the midst of medical school, busy and stressed out. I was so focused on surviving studying and exams, that I didn’t know anything about the lies, deceit, and secrets I eventually uncovered. Then came the drama of divorce, a new relationship, criticisms surrounding my new pregnancy, and whispers behind my back (even from friends).
But, I also had two young children I had to stay strong for. I had to go about my everyday as if everything was OK, and still put a smile on my face – even if it was just for them. I had to cover up the tears, the pain because they still needed their mommy. Some days I didn’t even want to get out of bed. Didn’t want to go to class. The hurt was more than I could handle by myself at the time. It was a low point for me, but you’d never know it from the outside looking in.
And I know I’m not alone.
One in five women will experience depression at some point in their lives. Depression is more likely for us women with young children. I’ve spoken to so many women who have survived tough relationships, and still had to raise their children through it. Women with major losses in their life. Women who have been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, etc – who still push through and meet the needs of their families. But, sometimes the pressure is too much. Covering up the hurt and just putting a smile on your face is never the best long-term solution. Eventually it can cause you to break down and your family to fall apart.
10 Tips to Help
So, how do you prevent that from happening?
1. Stay in touch with your team
If you have a medical diagnosis (whether mental of physical), it’s so important to stay on top of it. Stick to the plan that’s laid out for you – whether it’s therapy, medications, etc. Don’t be afraid to seek out the help that you need. And don’t be afraid to ask questions if you don’t understand something. You have to be your own personal advocate.
2. Keep trusted family members and friends close
Many times, your family members will be the first ones to point out that something’s wrong. You may not be able to see it yourself. If the people you trust are telling you that you seem anxious, paranoid, or sad – listen to them. Don’t get stuck in denial. Don’t be ashamed. You’re not alone. Identifying that there is a problem is the first step towards getting the help you need.
3. Don’t be afraid to let go
If you find yourself in a toxic relationship or friendship, don’t hesitate to let it go. If the person is more of a burden than a help to you, let them know that you need your space. It’s hard to get ahead if you have someone who’s constantly adding to your “issues” list.
4. Rely on your village
Too often, I get stuck in the mindset of having to “do it all”. I don’t ask for help with my kids, because I feel like I should be able to do it all myself. Believe me – that never turns out great. It’s amazing how many friends and family members are willing to help with your kids, household tasks, and just about anything you may need. A lot of people don’t want to intrude, but are so willing to help if you just ask. My life is a whole lot easier when I delegate and take a few things off my plate.
5. Make yourself a priority
Your mental and physical health is so important! It’s so easy to get wrapped up in caring for everyone else that You forget to care for yourself. But, the reality is that we, as women, are no good to anyone else if we aren’t well ourselves. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup! So stay focused on YOU. Carve out time in your day to do something you enjoy. Even if it’s just quiet time for 15 minutes. It’s amazing what a difference that time makes.
6. Exercise
Of course exercise has a ton of physical benefits. But it can also do wonders for your mental health. Just going for a quick walk or run can be a huge stress-reliever.
7. Stay grounded spiritually
It can be tough to focus on spirituality when you’re going through a rough time. But, that’s the time when it’s most important! No matter your spiritual beliefs, prayer or meditation can bring a sense of peace that you can’t really find anywhere else. As a Christian, I’m a firm believer that God doesn’t give us more than He thinks we can handle. So, if you have the issue – you’re strong enough to crush it!
8. Practice gratitude on a regular basis
Remember you have so much to be grateful for. Even in times of loss, there’s so much more around us that we can focus on and appreciate. Try your best to focus on the good in your life to bring a smile to your face. Even if things look bad right now, sit back and think about all the positive memories you’ve had. Don’t get stuck worrying about or focusing on the bad that’s in your face right now.
9. Use your kids as motivation
I’ve had to do this at so many stages of my life. Deep down, you want to be a good example for your kids. You want to create a positive, happy home. But, this is so hard when you’ve got your own inner struggles going on. In a lot of homes, us moms tend to set the tone. I’ve realized that when I’m upbeat and playful, I’m able to pull that out of my kids – even if they’re having a bad day. When I’m grouchy, stressed, and irritated, I can see the same in my kids.
Moms with untreated mental illnesses can end up doing so much harm to their kids – Actually traumatizing them and leaving emotional scars without even knowing it. Then the cycle just continues. So, stay strong for your kids. Raise them into awesome adults. Use them as your motivation to keep pushing through and smiling everyday. If you have no other motivation to get up everyday – look at your kids!
10. Look at the bright side
No matter what you’re going through, remember that you’re coming out of all of this stronger, smarter, and with more will-power than you had when you went in. Every experience is for a reason. There’s a lesson in everything. You just have to figure out the purpose of your trials, learn from them, and keep moving.
Believe me, I get it. None of this is easy. When you’re pulled in so many different directions and relied on by so many different people, it can be EXTREMELY overwhelming. Especially when you have a personal crisis on top of your everyday responsibilities. It’s so easy to neglect yourself until you get to your breaking point and it’s too late. So, please don’t let that happen! Reach out and get the help you need. Try your best to stay positive. You can do this!
Petra K. McEwan, MD is a practicing Pediatrician in South Florida. Besides taking care of her hubby and 5 kids, she’s enjoys dancing, going to the beach, and taking long naps. Her website is http://www.wifeymommydoc.com and she can be followed on Instagram @wifeymommydoc
Important message, important work. And what about parenting during a pandemic? The lack of support for parents, Mom’s particularly, is glaring during these times. Isolated, but never alone.
Thanks for reading, Susan! Believe me, as a mom of 5 who’s still working full-time in medicine during this pandemic, I get what you’re saying! Our loads have become even heavier. We need support now more than ever. So, it’s important to put as many of these tips into practice as you can.
It is a relief to read an article like this. I love tips 1-10 (i.e., all of them 🙂 ) Life can be hard, and one can develop depression even in the absence of concrete precipitants. As a survivor of several episodes of depression, I have learned a few parenting and de-stigmatizing tips I would like to share. The information below was hard-won. Four years of adult psychiatry residency and two years of child fellowship did not include most of the following information. The exception is the concept of making a topic talk-about-able, and I will forever be grateful to the attending who never let us forget its importance.
Exercise, gratitude, and staying in touch with one’s team have proven especially important for me, in my experience with recurrent depression. I think that as physicians, we, at some level feel it is our job to keep our medical team apprised of our symptoms and present to them our formulation and treatment plan- especially if one’s diagnosis is in one’s own specialty (I am a psychiatrist), and even more particularly in the unfortunate case of knowing more about the illness and treatment than the team itself. Should you find yourself in such a situation, GET A NEW TEAM! An ideal provider shares your medical philosophy, and simultaneously knows more than you do about your specific diagnosis and treatment. You deserve a provider you like AND trust.
It is tempting to believe that one can entirely mask the symptoms of depression all the time. However, our tiny progeny are keen observers of the world and us. Kids have this beautiful and challenging combination of egocentricity (I am the center of the cause of things) and magical thinking (I didn’t clean my room, and this made mom sick). The assumptions kids make based on their egocentricity, and magical thinking is why it is crucial to talk with your children about your diagnosis and symptoms. Otherwise, kids can feel guilty, hypervigilant, and alone.
Creating space for open conversation frees kids from the burden of keeping a family secret, the guilt of believing they did something to cause your illness, and the doubt that they can even trust the observations they make at home and in the world. Depression is not the opposite of strength. We all deserve to be able to say that out loud and to believe it. Life may be different (neighbors helping with carpool, mom/dad making simpler dinners, a parent having a few more appointments than usual) during active episodes. And throughout it all, you are still their loving parent, and they are still your sweet child. Children need to know that your depression is talk-about-able; it is not their fault, and that the adults in their life are aware of and addressing the depression, or whatever the diagnosis is. Ask them what they have noticed. Invite their questions. Tell them what is “wrong” with you but also all the countless things that are right with you. Validate their questions and observations. Tell them, 10 million times throughout their childhood, if necessary, that they did not cause this, and that you as the mom, have a team of expert adults that are helping you with whatever the issue or diagnosis happens to be.
Never sell yourself short by doubting you are the same kick-ass rockstar when you are depressed as you are when feeling like yourself. Depression lies. It lies to us in our very own inner voice, co-opting our thoughts and convincing us we are merely finally seeing ourselves as the losers we always have been. A depression lie is a symptom, just as fatigue, sadness, and appetite change is. It is ok to be not ok. Med school will never teach that, and it is still true. And no depressive episode ever lasts forever. There are more innovations in heaven and earth than are dreamt of when our minds are depressed. Sometimes, as long as you keep breathing, and participating in self-care- time alone will bull-doze you through. More often, with a team and good friends, recovery is an active process. You can do this. We are all here supporting you, ready to accept the real you and smack down the depression lies. We will hold your hope until you can believe it again.
Thank you, my fellow women physicians. It is so lovely not to be alone.
Sarah, your perspective is amazing! We should never forget how our mood and behavior affect our kids. And how important it is to talk openly about it in a way they can understand. You touched on so many important points. Thanks for your input!
Thank you for this article—very poignant and very helpful!
Thanks for reading, Candice. I’m glad it was helpful!
I think these are some good points, especially #1. Keep up on your own health!
My one caution is about the phrase “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.” I think sometimes some of us are given a great deal too much (and therefore some people see suicide as a way out, for example). I think acknowledgement of the heavy load might be more empathetic vs saying “you’re never given too much.”
Absolutely! I understand your point. Spirituality was just one of the many areas of support that I touched on. I know it may not fit with everyone’s beliefs. But as a Christian, I wholeheartedly believe that everything I go through has a purpose, and I’m motivated by the fact that God will help me through. I don’t push my Christianity on anyone, but religion and a belief in a “higher power” can be the motivation for a lot of people to keep going – keeping them away from suicide. I fully acknowledge and understand the load that we moms bear! Yet still, I believe in medicine and the success that comes with having both God AND a Therapist. Thanks for your input, AW!